Big announcements in the Irving/Berrigan household, which we have waited to announce but alas it is here :) On the note of distance, the last few years have been filled with lots of wonderful memories and we have both met some incredible people along the way; including each other. We are both thankful each and everyday that our paths intertwined.

We have both overcome so much and shared so much joy here, including becoming an aunt/uncle/godparents to our beautiful nephew Liam Holland. We have loved the city but have also struggled at times to be alone here especially while struggling with the health issues we both have (we both have Crohn's for those of you who didn't know). :)

So thus, it has come time, sure as ever for us to take a mini vacation/hopefully permanent trip home. We have decided that when our lease is up in June we will be moving to PEI for the summer and hopefully indefinitely. I will be finishing my four remaining courses via Distance at home and Bobby will be working from home as well. It will be a much needed time to regain some strength as well as physical and mental health and I am looking forward to the peace and tranquility one can only expect from the summer in PEI.

We had the chance to give our little shack here a good clean up today and enjoyed a nice home cooked meal for the first time together in over a month as our schedules have been so hectic. I have been so appreciative to have Bobby help out with many things I can't do at this point (carrying laundry down to the basement etc) and feel much better since I have dropped to 50mg of Prednisone. 

It is the first time in a long time we haven't been home for a big holiday, but we are enjoying the time together. My dad & stepmom are coming for a visit for the night tomorrow and we are looking forward to having catch up time with them. It is rare that we get to spend enough time with them while we are on the island, so we are looking forward to enjoying each other's company over a good meal and a drink (minus me, I will stick to a nice strong Root Beer). 

The city is unusually quiet today, as well as our building and I'm so grateful for the sun, warmth and a feeling of Spring. I'm looking forward to having a weekend with my little family and enjoying some rest while I can.

Happy Easter to all of you, wherever you are spending it, I hope the bunny brings you lots of good treats, and good health.

xo e

I will call today #bruising problems.

In all fairness, one is because of my clumsiness/general disorientation but I got a good prick by Marilyn last night from the courteous staff at the QE2.

After feeling pretty exhausted and sore I finally surrendered and hailed a cab with a nice man who played relaxing East Indian music, which I enjoyed, because I didn't have to talk, and he also wished me to feel better. The people you will meet I tell ya.

Little was done due to the 'mystery' of why I am having such an adverse reaction to my medication and it is extremely risky to lessen the dose of Prednisone without tapering off (weaning) to avoid significant withdrawal symptoms. The doctor in emerg encouraged me to immediately lessen my dose to 50mg today and to see if that helped relieve some of the pain I have been having in my joints. After a second opinion from another doctor today, I have only taken 50 mg (down from 70) and have actually been feeling much better this evening than yesterday, no serious side effects yet so I am grateful for that. Because my specialist in PEI is on vacation, I am awaiting an appointment from another GI specialist here in Halifax to get checked out and see what craziness my Crohn's has been going through.

It sounds funny to me when I think about it, but I have been legitimately ready to call and plead for a colonoscopy. Those bad boys are not a genuinely wild time, but they get to the bottom of the issue and that is where I'm ready to go right now. The doctor I saw during the day today was extremely supportive and has been following my case since my surgery in December, she has encouraged me to take some down time after I finish this semester to be 'normal' and relax. I've been seriously pondering this possibility and hope that my OCD will not get the best of me, that perhaps I'll be able to encourage myself to simply enjoy life and not worry about working etc. It will be a change, but probably a welcome and much needed one. 

I arrived home from the hospital at 2:30am and had a serious power nap today, but am now getting a little tired. My hunger monster has been off the charts but I'm just going to take advantage of it, enjoy my Swiss Chalet chicken dinner and DQ blizzard and call it a successful day- if I can keep it in, I'm happy, and so far, we're good.

I feel so lucky that I have friends close by who have been so supportive as well as have been keeping me company on many nights when I am too tired and hungry to cook. Supper dates are my new past time and I'm getting really good at scoring good deals at restaurants on various nights, I think I could take this up professionally. I am also so gracious for a wonderful boyfriend who has to witness this every single day with me... it is not easy to go through this and he knows first hand the struggles each day can sometimes bring. I am so thankful for his unconditional love, luckily he has the whole weekend off so we are looking forward to trying to have some resting time/normal time to just be together at home.

Cross your fingers for a colonoscopy friends. One day at a time...

xo

Today feels like it calls for a little Johnny Cash. It is proving to be a hard time right now and I am feeling pretty overwhelmed by the reaction these medications are having on my body and the toll they are taking on my spiritual and physical well-being. I have been battling a lot of pain in the evenings from sore joints and having a difficult time sitting because of the pain and the bloating and discomfort in my stomach.

I've had to set up a doctors appointment for tomorrow due to the overwhelming reactions I'm having at thus far. Hoping it'll resolve some of the issues, though it is difficult to focus on as there never seems to be a 'fix' it always another stage and another step to get to my goal; being healthy and happy and sometimes that feels extremely far off. Patience is so difficult to grasp right now, the past few months have been such a test of character and I am so grateful for the people who have provided emotional support.. no trying to fix the problems, just people who genuinely care to hear my story.

A highlight of my day included finding "Boost" juice boxes instead of drinking a chalky meal supplement. Well, needless to say they were not as 'juicish' or tasty as I was really expecting... I think I will stick to the chocolate milk version from here on out. 

What is most important right now is to focus on what I can work on. Trying to pass this semester is largely my biggest goal at this point, I am hoping that once school is finished there may just be some time to enjoy my 'me' time, but I know that in order to be happy I need to succeed in this and I'm working hard to tell myself I will get through it. 

Since it has been a long hard day, here are a few thoughts I'm trying to keep in mind.
1) People will listen if you tell them the honest truth, they genuinely want to help, but you need to be open.
2) Healing takes time, do what you can when you can. Be prepared to fight for every minute.
3) When all else fails, read Barbisms. I have included a link for your enjoying pleasure. You're welcome.
http://www.imbringingbloggingback.com/2012/03/06/barbisms-the-best-barbara-evans-quotes/

Hopefully there will be more positiveness tomorrow friends. I am hoping I will make it through this in one piece, slowly... I just need the strength to keep moving, sometimes it is far too often I find myself standing still.

e

Or I personally believe you'll drive yourself crazy. The last couple of days have been quieter and thus I'd had more time to reflect on my emotions and how this whole period has been going.
On a bright note, today was taper day! This means taking 70 mg Prednisone instead of 80. This is a relief, though tapering has it's own set of issues including withdrawing from the drug and also allows a significant amount of pain to set in, joint spasms, swelling, fluid retention etc.
Being on 80 mg of Prednisone feels like you've just been royally beaten/ate the largest meal of your life and are constantly waiting for it to settle, I always feel like I've got 20 lbs sitting right on my belly. 

When I promised to be open on this journey, I wasn't sure where the truths would lead me, but as I've pondered, I feel like if I'm sharing my bathroom schedule, humour and lovely pictures makeup/shower free, there's really no wheres else to go but up.

So let's get to one of the most frustrating aspect of Prednisone... weight gain. I wore the same sized jeans/shirts and all from grade 7 until 7 years later... (poor me eh.. not!) I was so lucky, but once I began my first dosing schedule from the Prednisone when I was diagnosed in 2010, I immediately changed. I gained about 20lbs and nothing fit right anymore, mildly discouraging at times, but I felt like I deserved to eat what I could when I could and instead I embraced it. Now in all the rage of bodybuilding/gyming it, I am very settled with telling you i am NOT gyming it!! Until my body heals, I am going to patiently enjoy the time I can eat whatever whenever I please. (In moderation if possible hehe NOTE: buy healthy snacks tomorrow). So what most would not dare to do, I'm going to tell you. Throughout the last few months I have maintained a stable 128lbs and though weight is by no means a critical part of my journey right now, it is obviously something I am aware of. I fully support those who have the ability to control their physical health including dieting and taking the gym seriously, but I also hope that their efforts are healthy because healthy=happy and happy=healthy, and one thing is for sure, I no longer take any food for granted, especially the ones I can keep inside of my stomach for more than 10 minutes.

I expect that in the coming weeks there is a high potential for weight gain and in all seriousness, after looking at the scale and seeing 125lbs yesterday I was a little concerned...after all where ARE all of those brownies going? I would be lying if the thought of ballooning and fluid retention during this episode was not just a tad upsetting for me, so today, I keep in mind that you can't believe everything you think of in your mind, maybe those jeans are a little extra snug, maybe you're wearing your boyfriends sweater around the house for days at a time because it is comfy? Let your mind go, and stop focusing on what other see of you and sometimes what you think about yourself. There will be happy days, there will be healthy days. For myself, a decrease on the scale is of course in some ways a little exciting because after all we are all human and want to look good, but mostly a bit more of fear. 

At my lowest point having Crohn's I weighed in at 94lbs, standing 5'1. I pray that I never get to that point again, feeling small and insecure. So today, I say let go of your thoughts about weight. Healthy doesn't always equal loss of weight, sometimes it just means being happy. 

Below: at 94lbs in July 2011

"Today I will fight again. This disease will not own me or define me." 

I feel that these words are most appropriate to start today with, as it is proving to be one of those tired/challenging days where I have to remind myself that today is but another day and that I need to take "me" time to rest and rejuvenate.

I have been nearly OD'ing on the sleep today, probably 16 hours in total since last night at about 2am. I have been stiff, tired and having the sweats today which proves to be tiring, I also feel like I have about 20 extra pounds around my belly, most likely bloating and a combination of being a hunger monster. My bowels do not want any more food but my stomach is ready to eat the moment I've finished the last bite. 

These are the days I need to breathe, meditate and focus my efforts on myself, though anyone with Crohn's or any other immune disease knows that living a 'me' life is extremely difficult when the rest of life continues while you are sick. The assignments, home life, a dog who is insistent that he needs to play ball and friends continue while you are settled on the couch, being comfortable around your own supplies. At times I battle the thoughts that plague me, what if I were normal? Could I continue with these events, manage them, and not feel like I'm always making circumstantial decisions? I have missed a lot of school in the last month and the pressure to stay sane and focused for the next few weeks is enormous, but I defer, what is most important for today is to focus on the things I CAN manage and take the resting time I can. 

Oh, and to throw that goddamn blue ball out that Russell is so convinced he needs today. #puppyproblems


E xo

I feel like the last day has flown by. Today (4th) was needle day, so we geared up the reflexes and just injected my 40mg of Humira. Breakfast included a mid morning brownie followed by lucky charms and a healthy dose of Prednisone.

The anxiety has began to lift and luckily I feel much stronger mentally and physically since the start of The Prednisone Episode. I've been sore and hungry but I'm getting accustomed to this reg again and luckily it appears to be paying off with only a few panic stricken runs towards the bathroom.

Yesterday I was treated to getting some fabulous nails at Burlesque Nail Design, and I am absolutely loving them!! It was a treat to be pampered and I am so thankful for Sarah's creativity and work she put into them, I feel like they are a fun reflection of who I am when I am healthy and happy and I feel grateful that I'm starting to feel like my old self again.

Needle went well with very little burning that I usually get with this injection so I am pleased it is done and over with and I'm good for 2 more weeks. I feel like if I continue on these meds like this I'm going to become invincible, since I feel much better so far.

MOOD: Lazy but content
JOINT PAIN: Medium
SLEEPING: Well but a little insomnia
INDULGES: A neatly wrapped little brownie hehe
THANKFUL FOR: Lovely nails and Humira injection complete.

Happy Weekend Friends,
E xo

So it is officially day two on 80 mg of Prednisone, and the effects still aren't too serious. A little insomnia last night, and a small hiccups episode after inhaling a piece of bread from being so hungry, but overall I can't complain. I felt some retail therapy could only help, therefore I purchased my very own "All Hail Lord Disick" tshirt. That guy just kills me. 

It's looking like it's shaping up to be a quiet weekend, but I'm okay with the quiet. After so many months of surgery recovery/wound issues, it is nice to have a few days of peace and quiet. The Mama & Papa D are returning from Dominican, therefore the Jetta's heated seats are no more. 

Luckily while Bobby is on serious nightshifts, I have plenty of reality TV to occupy my time. Did anyone say Netflix? And of course the big brother addiction I currently have. Here are the deets for the day:

MOOD: Mellow
INDULGES: Perhaps a DQ blizzard run in the near future.. oh, and big brother
THANKFUL FOR: Russell and Bob Marley
MOON FACE: Not yet
ACNE: None yet
JOINT PAIN: Mild

Here's to a hopefully mellow night of sleep. Russell pass the sleeping mask.

xo e

What a first day! I am so overwhelmed by the support I've gotten from all of you
today with the start of this journey. I've decided to sum up my days with a little
checklist so you can see the progress

MOOD: Humble and happy, thankful for all of your support
DIRTY DEETS ON MY INDULGES: None yet! But I can feel the hunger coming on!
ACNE: None yet.. that will take a few days
MOON FACE: Only the first day...:)
THANKFUL FOR: Friends, my family, curling irons, and watching Lord Disick on Kim & Kourtney take Miami... you can never have a bad day when you watch Scott Disick partake in Lord festivities. Also, I am thankful for having my Momma's jetta today after a big snowstorm so that I could bless my ass with heated seats.

I'm so thankful for the kind words I've received and dear friends who have decided to support Embrace Your Face and The Moon Face Movement by sending their pictures of their chipmunk face. It always provides me with a good laugh and I'm so proud of each of you to be willing to share this experience with me. I had a good supper with my fellow moonfacers Jodi & Lacey Fischer today and then had a surprise visit from Brianne MacNevin who delivered me a beautiful curling iron as a 'pick me up' so I'll still have gorgeous hair as I continue to change in the next couple of months. A big thank you to Bobby Berrigan for being my rock throughout all of this, especially in his cute Moon Face Movement picture. Will update tomorrow on the progress of sleep & hunger.

I thank and love each of you for the support. XO