"It was as if my stomach thought of itself as a heart. And no matter how I filled it—with men, with books, with food—it refused to be still. Unfillable—that's what I was. Nymphomania of the brain. Starvation of the heart.”
These are the hard days of Crohn's disease. The days where I feel unfillable, the crash from coming down from a high of being busy and feeling good- it is hard to survive the crash and burn of the good times.
These are the days where I have difficult and frustrating moments, where I can hardly drive from downtown before my stomach begins the all-too familiar groans moans and bones, and suddenly I'm screaming at every car in my way, every red light and breathing excessively/alternating screaming from the stomach pain that swallows me whole and reminds me that some days just aren't good. These are the times I pray I'll make it home to give up my too-recent meal, that I'll spend an hour in the bathroom suffering from excessive diarrhea and stomach pain, wishing I could just be more normal, and yet thankful that I was just able to make it home in time. These are the days I wish I could keep any part of nutrients in my body, wishing my intestines would absorb the energy I so desperately need, wishing they'd relieve me of feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.
During my trip to the Miramichi I was generally stressed busy and overworking myself and not taking my Prednisone as I should have. I had been down to my 5mg mark for about 5 days and thought since I had missed a couple it was no big deal to go against my doctors orders of tapering from 5 to 2.5 then off, thus my crazy confident mind said go ahead, and as any of you with Crohn's know, that invincibility when you are feeling good is so often the reason you end up feeling bad again.
So at this point, I am cranky, I am frustrated, I am irritated and I am withdrawling. It is not hard to detect, and I've found out from a quick google search that it is very real since your body often maintains around a 3mg dose naturally in your body and when you stop, your adrenal gland suffers and is not producing enough to maintain your level, thus creating a withdrawling effect. It is tiring and I am exhausted, sore and generally not a fun person to be around. *All apologies to Bobby who is putting up with my cranky ass, as well as my oversleeping and lack of cleaning.
And now, I am faced with allowing my body to start producing it naturally, since I am already into the withdrawal, to continue and make the days I've suffered worth it, or to go back onto the medication again, taper as advised from the 5mg mark and perhaps suffer a couple days again. Crohn's problems. Crohn's decisions, and today, I want them to go away. Luckily it is needle day tomorrow and there will surely be a call put in to my doctor Monday morning. Sometimes I am so frustrated at how quickly your body/health changes with Crohn's.
I am also in full-blown Prednisone induced acne. Small little red bumps have taken over my face and it's sore. Typically I get this a lot sooner, but I've only noticed it really start (and go full blown in the matter of) in the last few days. The moon face is also bloated and my stomach is ginormous, I often tell Bobby I feel like Rolly Poly Olly trying to get out of bed because my stomach/joint pain has just taken over.
Also, with so much craziness/hate/protests going on in the world, it is hard to turn on the TV lately. Though these situations are a constant reminder of how lucky we all have it (with or without Crohn's) there seems to be a point where you just need to turn it off and try and feel positive vibrations. So tonight, I think I will watch some meaningless TV, or perhaps read about Johnny Cash. All I really want though is a long sleep, and just to feel better....
fingers crossed..
xo e
p.s. if you are having a terrible day, I recommend doing something nice for yourself- like getting lovely nails. If you're in the Halifax area, go to Burlesque Nail Design, lovely ladies and lovely conversation. Special thanks to Sarah for always being so creative and making me feel better.
These are the hard days of Crohn's disease. The days where I feel unfillable, the crash from coming down from a high of being busy and feeling good- it is hard to survive the crash and burn of the good times.
These are the days where I have difficult and frustrating moments, where I can hardly drive from downtown before my stomach begins the all-too familiar groans moans and bones, and suddenly I'm screaming at every car in my way, every red light and breathing excessively/alternating screaming from the stomach pain that swallows me whole and reminds me that some days just aren't good. These are the times I pray I'll make it home to give up my too-recent meal, that I'll spend an hour in the bathroom suffering from excessive diarrhea and stomach pain, wishing I could just be more normal, and yet thankful that I was just able to make it home in time. These are the days I wish I could keep any part of nutrients in my body, wishing my intestines would absorb the energy I so desperately need, wishing they'd relieve me of feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.
During my trip to the Miramichi I was generally stressed busy and overworking myself and not taking my Prednisone as I should have. I had been down to my 5mg mark for about 5 days and thought since I had missed a couple it was no big deal to go against my doctors orders of tapering from 5 to 2.5 then off, thus my crazy confident mind said go ahead, and as any of you with Crohn's know, that invincibility when you are feeling good is so often the reason you end up feeling bad again.
So at this point, I am cranky, I am frustrated, I am irritated and I am withdrawling. It is not hard to detect, and I've found out from a quick google search that it is very real since your body often maintains around a 3mg dose naturally in your body and when you stop, your adrenal gland suffers and is not producing enough to maintain your level, thus creating a withdrawling effect. It is tiring and I am exhausted, sore and generally not a fun person to be around. *All apologies to Bobby who is putting up with my cranky ass, as well as my oversleeping and lack of cleaning.
And now, I am faced with allowing my body to start producing it naturally, since I am already into the withdrawal, to continue and make the days I've suffered worth it, or to go back onto the medication again, taper as advised from the 5mg mark and perhaps suffer a couple days again. Crohn's problems. Crohn's decisions, and today, I want them to go away. Luckily it is needle day tomorrow and there will surely be a call put in to my doctor Monday morning. Sometimes I am so frustrated at how quickly your body/health changes with Crohn's.
I am also in full-blown Prednisone induced acne. Small little red bumps have taken over my face and it's sore. Typically I get this a lot sooner, but I've only noticed it really start (and go full blown in the matter of) in the last few days. The moon face is also bloated and my stomach is ginormous, I often tell Bobby I feel like Rolly Poly Olly trying to get out of bed because my stomach/joint pain has just taken over.
Also, with so much craziness/hate/protests going on in the world, it is hard to turn on the TV lately. Though these situations are a constant reminder of how lucky we all have it (with or without Crohn's) there seems to be a point where you just need to turn it off and try and feel positive vibrations. So tonight, I think I will watch some meaningless TV, or perhaps read about Johnny Cash. All I really want though is a long sleep, and just to feel better....
fingers crossed..
xo e
p.s. if you are having a terrible day, I recommend doing something nice for yourself- like getting lovely nails. If you're in the Halifax area, go to Burlesque Nail Design, lovely ladies and lovely conversation. Special thanks to Sarah for always being so creative and making me feel better.
the most recent work from Burlesque. love them and feel they are very MM inspired
Crohnsy cupcakes for the PEI girls
a beautiful gift from my favourite irish man Gerard who brought this back for me from his most recent adventure to Thailand.. made of a real flower and sterling silver.. such a sweet guy... and yes ladies, he's available for the taking!
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